All The News That's Fit To Ignore.

"And in breaking news, a dead Swan has been found in Scotland. Now we go over live to our Scottish Swan Affairs Zombie, Urgh McGregor."

"Brains. Brains. Today a swan was found in the harbour of a small town in Eastern scotland.Brains."

"And what do we know about the swan?"

"Brains. It dead. Apparently from Bird Flu.Brains."

"Was it the deadlystrainofthevirus?"

"Well.....it certainly killed the swan."

"Thank you Urgh. And in the studio with me tonight is Rampant Pessimity from the Disease Control Authority."

"Argh! We're all going to die!"

"From Avian Flu?"

"I don't know.But we are all going to die!Urgh!"

"Brains?"

"Not now Urgh.Mister Pessimity, what are the chances of the disease affecting humans?"

"Well....they've had it for 4 years in China."

"And how many people have died?"

"Out of 2,000,000,000? Less than die every month on the roads."

"That must be quite a few people?"

"On the roads in Britain. About 180 people. In 4 years."

"But what are the chances of catching it?"

"Well....don't suck the arse or beak of a dead bird....and if you must eat them...."

"Yes?"

"Cook them."

"I see...and what are the chances of a mutant strain attacking humanity?"

"About the same as the risk from Feral Strawberries growing fangs and sucking our blood.Urgh!"

"Brains!"

"Not now Urgh. On a lighter note, the entire ITV News Channel has been scrapped."